The day I ejaculated upon the Queen's face
November, 1856.
Today shall be the final entry concerning my centenary, as I wrap up this two-week long celebration, which has seen me recollecting my finest moments, commissioning a spectacular portrait and, of course, doling out glorious, glittering golden cocks. It has been wonderful fun, and there has been much jubilation and revelry, not to mention drunkenness and debauchery.
But now, for this final part of the celebrations, I wish to adopt a more solemn tone, as I recall one of the most terribly embarrassing experiences of my lordly life thus far. You may well be thinking that I live a life free of shame and regret, but occasionally even one as beyond reproach as I am prone to moments of misjudged madness.
The incident which I shall shamefully recall concerns my well-documented lust for Her Majesty, Queen Victoria. Oh! Even writing her name makes my Lord Palmerston stiffen with a mixture of pride and arousal!
Ever since the Queen took to the throne in 1837, I have become somewhat besotted with this most delectable of monarchs. People often find my affection for Her Majesty somewhat bewildering, but I really cannot see why. Power, as they say, is an aphrodisiac, and with one-quarter of the globe under her rule, Queen Victoria is very powerful indeed, and thus so attractive it makes my balls ache with longing.
And don't even get me started about her marvelous, majestic mammaries.
My desire for Her Majesty grew over the years, but I always managed to restrain myself from bashing one out over her picture in the news-papers, or from rubbing my groin against the gates of Buckingham Palace, out of respect for the sovereign. However busty or eminently humpable she may be, she is still the Queen, and I never forgot that.
At least, until that fateful day.
I was at the bank, withdrawing some funds with which to purchase alcohol for an upcoming ball I was hosting. I forget what the occasion was, if indeed there was an occasion. It is entirely possible I just wanted to get drunk.
Anyhow, the bank-teller issued me with the money, and as I began transferring it to my wallet my eye was caught by the image proudly stamped across the front of one of the shillings I had been given.
It was Her Majesty.
I stood, transfixed by her beauty. That proud nose, the smooth, slender neck, those soft, gentle lips...she was a beautiful sight to behold, and I ached to be inside her. As I dwelt upon these erotic thoughts, I felt my proud Palmerston twitch frantically within my underpants, and before I could stop myself I had withdrawn my throbbing member and begun masturbating furiously - right there in the bank, in front of everyone.
With a hearty cry of "God Save the Queen!" I issued forth globules of my thick, seminal fluid, which not only covered the shilling, but also the astonished face of the bank-clerk, the wall behind him and the ceiling. It was quite a whitewash, I can tell you.
Needless to say, once I had discharged my lordly load, I immediately regretted my impulsive act. The other customers all regarded me with unmasked horror and disgust, while the bank-clerk was practically catatonic with shock.
I sheepishly collected up the rest of my money, and withdrew silently from the bank. Suffice to say, I have not returned to that particular branch since, although I am led to believe that they have since installed glass screens at all the counters, to prevent the clerks receiving any further unwanted facials.
So, maybe some good came of it after all.
- Lord Likely.
with thanks to Lord Matt for the suggestion.
Other Business
Attention! Hear his lordship's glorious Ode to Victoria by visiting his Astonishing Audio Adventures.
Now Open: We are very pleased to announce the unveiling of The Upper Crust, a very special web-based community for all those loyal to his lordship to engage in friendly discussion, befriend one another, share items of interest and to get blind, roaring drunk. It is absolutely free to join, and his lordship hopes to see you there. Please bring a bottle.
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Next time in The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely: The commencement of a brand-new adventure, as his lordship tackles The Curious Case of the Conjuring Calamity!
20 remarkable remarks remarked:
I'm sure that tellers face was soft and supple for a least a month afterwards. Especially with M'Lord's spunk.
I saw that coming but the way you elaborately wrote your tale is just so amusing!
Is it okay if I link your site?
His Lordship's jism is surely a moisturising cream, a metal polish and a shampoo combined. Her Majesty would surely be forgiving if the properties of that magical elixir were explained to her.
Curiously, I, too, have had similar results many times, shortly after making a withdrawal.
ADG
"You sure know how to make a splash." HA! How about, "you filled the room with excitement?" I know, I know, "you're certainly skillful at making deposits."
Which ever one you choose, it was still all done in good taste....at least that's what the jism caked teller says.
Good day, treasured readers!
Mr. Howard, you are quite correct, of course. I think some enterprising cosmetics firm should bottle my excellent ejaculate, and sell it to women to smear on their faces. Actually, I can do that myself, now I think about it.
Coeli, if only the bank-clerk could have seen it coming! Then, he might have ducked. Also, of course you may link here. Link away, my dear!
Mr. Bananas, indeed. It is not called 'seminal' fluid for nothing, you know. It really is seminal.
Mr. Goulding, I am glad I am not alone in my bank-based bukake experience! Phew!
Ms. Beenzzz, you win all the points. I did not know I was even handing out points until then, either.
Toodle-pip!
- Lord Likely.
Get rid of those ugly trolls on your money and replace them with The Spice Girls....
The Beatles would be a better choice for your currency instead of the "Monarchs"...
Who on earth would want to ejaculate upon a beatle?
That is sheer madness, sir!
A certain individual has asked me to forward an indecent proposition to His Lordship. I shall not disclose it in a public forum, but shall await His Lordship's instruction at gorilla_bananas@yahoo.com.
Good Lord (the other one, I mean)! Have you not heard of the manly virtues of cross country running and cold showers? As you seem a slave to the more bestial urges to which all flesh (alas!) is thrall, I strongly suggest that when next you feel thus smitten, you strip down to your vest and under-breeches and go for a good bracing run through the English countryside.
Only in such a manner can we save Her Majesty The Queen, Empress of India, from further such assaults.
Personally I always take a few stout, hearty friends with me on such runs just in case the urges become too great to control. A good mutual rub down with Doctor Todger's Patent Liniment will soon sort you out...
Oh Lord (this one, I mean!) - I've heard of being penalized for early withdrawl - but usually NOT all over the Teller!
You should have just told them you thought it was a sperm bank.
Living in Victorian times, Lord Likely, you aren't to know that in the 21st Century, carbonated drinks will be the norm.
With that info from the future, may I suggest a trade name for the commercial exploitation of your aristocratic ejaculate?
How does Jizz Fizz sound?
I shared your story over tea and cucumber sandwiches with the current Queen, H.M. Elizabeth II, last night and she was aghast. In an effort to eliminate further painting of the Royal currency, she decreed that all new coins and bills will be adorned with the face of Camilla, Duchess of Cornhole.
whew...I'm glad I live in a different time period...
and not a teller :P
Good day all!
Mr. Boopadoopboy, I now try to take a vigourous constitutional whenever the urge rises again. The only problem is, whilst on these walks I have to pass The Queen's Arms public house, Queen Victoria Avenue and a statue of the monarch in the park. Temptation lurks around every corner, confound it!
My dear Olga, I just hope the bank does not penalize me too much, by cutting off my assets, or something.
Mr. Diesel, a cunning ruse, sir! And of course, it actually WAS a sperm bank after I'd finished.
Mr. Goulding, sir! Jizz Fizz sounds like a marvelous idea. I imagine it to be a creamy sort of drink, with lots of body.
Mr. Ghost, that is a sound idea. Although with the repellent Duchess' face adorning the currency, I daresay that the value of the pound would plummet.
Mr. Punk, time is no barrier for my mighty seed.
Toodle-pip!
- Lord Likely.
I wouldnt believe the hype about those screens. They may be bullet proof, but no match for your enthusiastic reactions to the Queen.
We shouldn't encourage you Lord Likely. Tsk, tsk.
Good day, friends!
Sir Ed, let us just pray that I do not go off half-cocked, then!
My dear Theresa, welcome back! And believe me, further encouragement might be fatal for an unwitting bank-clerk.
Toodle-pip!
- Lord Likely.
Lord, I LOVE your posts and your writing. You are so funny and your titles are excellent! I want to be just like you when I grow up, except, I'll just stay a woman. I'll be adding you to my blogroll.
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